I’m donating a query critique (and rewrite, if you want it) to the Authors For Families auction benefiting a number of organizations supporting border family reunification. To give you a better sense of what might be involved, I’ve decided to break down my own query for HERE AND NOW AND THEN.
My general advice for #amquerying pals is that a 10% request rate shows that you’ve written a successful query, regardless of the quality of your manuscript. So if you query in batches of 8-10 agents, if you get one request out of that, then you’ve done your job.
For the numbers folks out there, I have two sets that may interest you. Because HERE AND NOW AND THEN was sent to SFF, commercial fiction, and literary fiction agents, my list was larger than most of you will have. I also received authors before I exhausted my entire list.
- 90 queries sent
- 18 requests (20%)
- 4 offers of rep
- 1 additional full request that I withdrew from consideration
Now, I mentioned that request rate doesn’t necessarily tie into the quality of your manuscript. This is critical because I actually had a similar request rate for the manuscript before HERE AND NOW AND THEN, which was entitled THE PAUSE but obviously no offers came out of it. (Happy ending: I knew something wasn’t quite right, and fortunately my agent Eric Smith was able to identify it upon reading. He tasked me with a rewrite of epic proportions -- seriously, it required eight spreadsheets -- and that was accepted as the second book of my contract.)
I’ve advised many friends on queries, and I’ve rewritten some of them as well. Here is the general advice I give:
The opening line states the main conflict with a hint of irony. Like "xxx wants to do this, but can't because of (ironic reason)." Then you step back and establish a little back story and emotional conflict. 2-3 sentences. Then you hit the act 1 catalyst: "But when xxx happens, hero must do this against xxx odds"
Then there's one line to hint at the B-story. And then a raising the stakes conclusion where everything is going wrong. And there's a clear evidence of a ticking clock. Final line addresses the irony of the opening statement.
From a big picture perspective, voice and pace are the most important things. don't get bogged down in too many details. Simplify and streamline. The above stuff should be 200-250 words max. Then you have that paragraph about your bio.
Here is the original core part of the HERE AND NOW AND THEN’s query. Note that I wrote different intros depending on the agent’s genre.
Warning: Some spoilers ahead for the book, so if you were looking forward to it and wanted to go in completely clean, just work with the notes above. Think about it as you stare at this at this aesthetic collage I just made for the book. Which, let's be honest, is basically me just dreamcasting Idris Elba and Doctor Who actors.
Kin Stewart thought parenting a teen couldn’t get any harder, but then he got separated from his daughter -- by a century.
Before that, he was a normal family man, working and parenting teenage Miranda -- a far cry from his old job as a time-traveling secret agent from 2142. Stranded in suburbia since the 1990s because of a botched mission, he’d spent the last 17 years thinking about soccer practices and family vacations instead of temporal fugitives.
But when his rescue team suddenly arrives, Kin is forced to abandon his family and return to 2142, where everyone -- including his fiancee, who’s unaware of time travel -- thinks he’s only been gone weeks, not years. Ordered to cut all contact with the past, Kin defies his superiors and attempts to raise his daughter from the future. Until one day he discovers that Miranda’s being erased from history...and it might be his fault.
With time running out, Miranda’s very existence depends upon Kin taking a final trip across time, no matter the cost. Break time-travel rules, tell his fiancee about Miranda and his secret family, even put his own life on the line; those are risks Kin will take because there’s only one thing more important than the past and the future: doing right by his daughter.
Alright, so let’s break it apart:
The opening line states the main conflict with a hint of irony. Like "xxx wants to do this, but can't because of (ironic reason)."
Kin Stewart thought parenting a teen couldn’t get any harder, but then he got separated from his daughter -- by a century.
Your core conflict here is the relationship between father and daughter. This drives the whole book -- how far will a parent go to do right by their child? The twist here, then, is that the separation isn’t what we perceive in our real world of distance (like a job or a divorce takes you away) but by time.
Then you step back and establish a little back story and emotional conflict. 2-3 sentences. Then you hit the act 1 catalyst: "But when xxx happens, hero must do this against xxx odds"
Before that, he was a normal family man, working and parenting teenage Miranda -- a far cry from his old job as a time-traveling secret agent from 2142. Stranded in suburbia since the 1990s because of a botched mission, he’d spent the last 17 years thinking about soccer practices and family vacations instead of temporal fugitives.
But when his rescue team suddenly arrives…
So now we have the setup that puts the opening hook into context. In this case, it’s a fish-out-of-water story with a time-travel twist. The act 1 catalyst is the arrival of the rescue team -- this is the key accelerant in the story, and if you’re keeping track, it’s hinted at in chapter 1 and ramps up in chapter 2, then drives the story in chapter 3.
Then there's one line to hint at the B-story. And then a raising the stakes conclusion where everything is going wrong. And there's a clear evidence of a ticking clock.
...where everyone -- including his fiancee, who’s unaware of time travel -- thinks he’s only been gone weeks, not years. Ordered to cut all contact with the past, Kin defies his superiors and attempts to raise his daughter from the future. Until one day he discovers that Miranda’s being erased from history...and it might be his fault.
With time running out, Miranda’s very existence depends upon Kin taking a final trip across time, no matter the cost. Break time-travel rules, tell his fiancee about Miranda and his secret family, even put his own life on the line;
This section is all about stakes and structure. The hint of the B-story, which is how Kin tries to balance returning to his family in 2142, provides greater depth while showcasing another side of the conflict. Every line here raises the stakes on the previous one: conflict with old family and timeline reconciliation, more conflict with cutting off the past, and more conflict by defying that. Then the All Is Lost moment (Miranda is erased) and the ticking clock that breaks into Act 3.
Final line addresses the irony of the opening statement.
those are risks Kin will take because there’s only one thing more important than the past and the future: doing right by his daughter.
I always try to have the final line tie into the opening line. Rhythm is a big part of queries, so doing something like this acts as a strong final punchline while giving that whole-circle feel. Thus, we open with Kin struggling to connect with his daughter emotionally and we close with Kin struggling to connect with his daughter physically. It sets a nice balance to the whole piece.
If you found this analysis helpful, I encourage you to bid on my query critique service in the Authors for Families auction. The silent auction is open til 7/31 and I will happily go critique and talk through your query and even rewrite it for you using this methodology. ALL (100%) of proceeds go to organizations like RAICES, CASA, and other wonderful places working on the #KeepFamiliesTogether movement. Also, other wonderful authors are offering query and manuscript critiques and you can view the entire list here.
Oh, and if you've made it this far, HERE AND NOW AND THEN releases on January 29, 2019 and is available for pre-order: Amazon, Indiebound, Barnes & Noble. You can also add it to your Goodreads.
